…of relationships

I’ll admit that I seek relationships that are fun, but don’t last, or that have some challenge. This propensity leads me to believe that deep down I am not ready for a committed, long term relationship (since actions speak louder than words). This is in spite of the fact that I though I wanted a committed, long term relationship–with someone fabulous, of course. I fell in love in this last relationship. At first, I had crazy fantasies about running off with him. We’ve been together for over a year now, and the relationship has significantly changed from the passionate, impetuous, frenzy that is was in the beginning. Still, I will be so sad to leave him when I move to Pullman. At the same time, I really believe that we should not be together any more. The whole thing has grown… toxic (although I despise this use of that word). I can’t trust him like I used to. He’s not as available to me as I need him to be. I am not getting what I need out of the relationship. Despite this truth, a geographical relocation is the only thing that will separate us. With out it, we would probably just keep going back.
Of course, I fear loneliness. As much as I like the idea of being independent, I am happiest when I am with someone. Building a new relationship, learning new boundaries, and establishing trust seems like an insurmountable task right now, although I suppose this is a typical feeling to have as I exit a relationship. For the rest of my time here, I’ll just keep on keeping on. I want to.

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