Monthly Archives: July 2009

this doesn’t make sense

In the back of my mind, I want to break up with my boyfriend. Or, at least I want to take a break, a trial separation. I feel like time and distance is the only thing that will give me the clarity and distance I need to either see that the relationship is a good thing, worth working on and working toward, or that it isn’t a good match and that we should separate for good.
Unfortunately, we keep making plans, weekends into the future are filled with activities that I want to do with him.
I spend most of my time at his place, and when I come to my apartment, I usually want to go back to his place.
So, while this idea of a separation and clarity plagues me, I cannot physically pull myself away from him.
As a couple, we are improving, changing, making concessions and caring more for one another.
I worry, though, that what we have, while a nice and pleasant existence, isn’t really a passionate, over the moon kind of love. I’ve felt a crazier love before. This feels much more like it would be a partnership, based on a desire to live a similar lifestyle, and a simple love/friendship.
I learn so much from each relationship. But, there is always some degree of desperation. There is a biological clock that is ticking, a desire to live in a home, and share my life with someone, and have something to celebrate–a strong desire for companionship. My relationships have not been clear or easy, and yet, I’ve always felt that when I got very serious with someone, when I married someone, it would be because I desperately wanted to marry him, that no other options made any sense. I think I would be comforted in that intensity, but the reality is that, at least in this relationship, there is no desperation. It’s a fairly peaceful progression, and that seems more realistic, I guess.

I’ve only been gone for five days, but I feel so out of the loop. I am so connected through various social networks that being without them feels very strange. Most notably, me and the new boyfriend hiked into the Wallowa Mountains to Ice Lake. It is about eight miles in and a 3,000 ft increase in elevation. Needless to say I am sore from the hips to my toes. It was good though, minus my hysteria about cougars and bears that my dad encouraged with several scary stories the night before we left. Now I want to read and enjoy the next few weeks of my break before it is all over and I have to start the new school year. Grad school is so exhausting; I really have to take care of myself and gear up for it.