In the back of my mind, I want to break up with my boyfriend. Or, at least I want to take a break, a trial separation. I feel like time and distance is the only thing that will give me the clarity and distance I need to either see that the relationship is a good thing, worth working on and working toward, or that it isn’t a good match and that we should separate for good.
Unfortunately, we keep making plans, weekends into the future are filled with activities that I want to do with him.
I spend most of my time at his place, and when I come to my apartment, I usually want to go back to his place.
So, while this idea of a separation and clarity plagues me, I cannot physically pull myself away from him.
As a couple, we are improving, changing, making concessions and caring more for one another.
I worry, though, that what we have, while a nice and pleasant existence, isn’t really a passionate, over the moon kind of love. I’ve felt a crazier love before. This feels much more like it would be a partnership, based on a desire to live a similar lifestyle, and a simple love/friendship.
I learn so much from each relationship. But, there is always some degree of desperation. There is a biological clock that is ticking, a desire to live in a home, and share my life with someone, and have something to celebrate–a strong desire for companionship. My relationships have not been clear or easy, and yet, I’ve always felt that when I got very serious with someone, when I married someone, it would be because I desperately wanted to marry him, that no other options made any sense. I think I would be comforted in that intensity, but the reality is that, at least in this relationship, there is no desperation. It’s a fairly peaceful progression, and that seems more realistic, I guess.