Today I am going to my first Coug football game. Sometimes having an allegiance to a team is fun. I haven’t had an allegiance since my undergrad days when I dated the star of the basketball team. Those were the days. I was so in love with him and found the whole basketball scene to be so very thrilling. People from town would always stop him to talk about "the game" when we were out and about. I always thought he was so gracious. He had very bright, sad blue eyes, was unbelievably tall, 6’6", I think. While he was very masculine, he loved to cuddle and he loved kitties. In fact his cat "Kitty" still lived at home with his parents. I remember laughing together most of all. We were very funny together. It’s something that I adore in a relationship, but it’s so hard to find.

Sometimes I think about how easy it would have been for us to stay together. He would have been my college sweetheart. We would have gotten married (no question–I loved him that much). I would have a life that looked like a lot of my friends’ lives: a house, children, a husband, a middle-class life. It freaks me out how very easy it would have been, a few tiny shifts in choices we made, and that would have been my life. 

I think I would have been happy, but who really knows…I think I would have been happy.

In other news, I cannot stop dreaming about The Finn. I hadn’t seen him in two years before he came to visit me this summer. I thought it would be fine. I thought I’d moved on. And I have. I don’t think about him much at all. I’m planning a different life. Still, almost every night he is in my dreams (and it’s worse since the visit). Not in some huge, romantic capacity. He is just always there with me. I wake up sad from these dreams. So far he has been my one big, unrequited love. And it’s tragic. And it’s sad. I know he’s loved me back sometimes, but the mechanics of getting us at the same place at the same time seems impossible for both of us, we’ve agreed. Or, almost impossible, I should say.

I want a love like C & E.

And all I really wanted to say was that I’m going to my first football game today. Should be fun.


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