This has been such a strange semester, year, well, last half of a year, for me. I’m having the hardest time living in the moment. That could be because I am in such a strange relationship. My feelings are so mixed and wishy-washy. I exhaust myself! Let alone my poor boyfriend. As I said, I just cannot be in the moment. My head is constantly looking ahead into possible future scenarios (lyrics? yes). Or, I am looking nostalgically into the past. I’m looking at old relationships that never worked out and never should have worked out. I am haunted by their relics, the songs, the sweet kiss, the daisies that took over a small square of garden I had at the apartment complex where I lived next door practically to my then super-cool boyfriend. I am haunted by how easily everything could be so different. I am frightened by it because I am now in a very good place. What if I wasn’t here? I am haunted by love once that burned fast and bright–a mutual love–that burned out and was reignited by his certain way of knowing me. I am haunted by the poetry and the mystery of the traveling man, the rejection, the kiss over the freezing cold bridge in the woods on the road that we never should have driven on–too cold, too icy, too dangerous. I am haunted by brave emails that confess a certain affinity for trying to describe the color of my hair, the curve of my lips, the piercing look shared across a room, down a hallway, in a room full of strangers.
Tonight I’m having one of those honest to god grad school nights where I stay up late drinking mint tea–one with honey, one without honey–frantically typing an essay that’s due tomorrow, one that’s plenty full of some drivel with a few good ideas sprinkled in for good measure. In the morning, I’ll wake up late, exhausted, shower quickly, and face the 1° weather, that will feel like 1° and will have the capacity to break my wet hair in two.


6 thoughts on “

      1. syllepsis

        So that we don’t slip and say ‘retarded’ at the wrong time C and I have taken to calling everything ‘vegan.’ It’s fun; you can have it.

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