It’s the middle of the night, and I have spent the last few hours typing furiously for papers that are due next week. I’d like to turn them in as soon as possible, so I’ll have more time for grading and cleaning the house before I leave for break.
I had a great night tonight. I ate a peanut butter and honey sandwich on spelt bread (which is better for me, I think). I also ate bites of chocolate and mixed cranberry juice with some kind of flavored, carbonated water. I don’t know. It was a strange night for eating. The snow fell. I did laundry. It felt really good to be alone, peaceful and accomplishing work. I feel guilty for how much I love being alone right now and crave more time to myself. I worry that I am not getting out enough, that I am fostering some kind of agoraphobia. That might be true, and I neither like nor dislike it. It’s true that my social anxiety flares up with some frequency, especially when life is particularly stressful. But, I hope that I don’t build a lonely life. I’ve been lonely before. I’ve had energy and wanted to be with friends when there were no friends. I’d like to have a weekly lunch date. In fact, I think I require a weekly lunch date. Although I sometimes spend months+ by myself, I never really like it. I always like to have someone I can meet with at least once a week. Of course they have to be someone kind of superb.
The boyfriend and I went shopping today, but the stores were crazy. I ate a chicken pita–a meal I always feel like writing about. There were a few, peaceful downtown shops that I enjoyed, but I’ll have to go alone and do a serious shopping excursion before I leave town. I feel like spending money these days, but I have to remind myself that I am still a college student and am still on a very tight budget. One year, a few years ago, I wasn’t on a tight college student budget, and that was great fun.
Today I found out that an aunt of mine had been hospitalized. She’s okay now, I’m told. But, I feel hurt and left out because she was there for a whole week, and I was never notified. It makes me feel out of the loop, like something’s amiss, and I don’t like it at all.


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