Last night I read some of my old writing about a past relationship. I was amazed by how in love I was. I had so much energy and excitement. This was LOVE and we both knew it and it was so much fun! Once, after a breakup, I cried hysterically in my car, unable to leave the parking lot, unable to move. (We got back together one long weekend later.) That relationship was so emotional.
I think one of the reasons I am less emotional now is because I am so completely in my head, what with grad school and all. I’ll be here for the next two years. (I’ll meet you in my heart sometime after 2012?)
That relationship was so different from the one I have now. I can’t see myself crying hysterically about anything now. The most intense emotions I experience in this one are contentedness and irritation. My love for him is much like familial love. I love him, but I can also see him very, very clearly. He is a part of my support system. We are good companions and share a nearly identical life aesthetic. He has successfully made changes to some of the quirky behavior that used to inadvertently hurt my feels or annoy me (though he still annoys me). There is evidence of growth. I still do not trust his perception about some things.
Today we went for a long walk in the sun. It was deceivingly chilly, despite the sun. It was after yoga, and so you know I was in a good mood. We walked the dog up into a field, so that he could run off leash, and also so we could check on a research plot that hadn’t been checked on in a very long time. (For his grad work, he has tens, maybe hundreds of these in the college-owned land surrounding campus.)
At the plot, which was growing tall bunches of grass, it seemed warmer. We named the surrounding mountains and landmarks. It was beautiful up there. I am growing to love the rolling hills of the Palouse. We sat in the old dead grass from the winter, with the most tender leaves of new grass poking up underneath. We laid on our backs and watched the clouds pass by. It was the first time since winter started that the earth was warm enough to lay against. We talked and talked, and nothing was wrong with it at all. The dog ran around and made us laugh. Hawks circled overhead.

Last night I dreamed of an unrequited love. His used to be skinny and wear glasses, but that was all before he got himself a really good job and a really good haircut. This love is my most unattractive quality.

There is so much going on. This is my last semester of coursework, and it’s kicking my butt. From here on out, there’s either a conference or a yoga training, or a trip to Georgia to watch my brother graduate from Officer Candidate School. That, plus many important writing projects for school, the kind that, if done well, could lead to a summer research assitantship, a conference paper, or my name tacked on to an article and a coveted publication. Also, I have to create the reading list for my exams. So yeah, one of *those* kind of semesters. At least I’m coming off a restful weekend. Of course, I always manage to find time to veg out and watch Hulu.

I am such a night owl lately. I’m up until all hours reading, typing, totally energized, totally productive. Then morning comes, and I do not want to get out of bed. I drag through the first 8 hours of my day, puffy face, hair–don’t even got me started with the hair–and driving/spiking blood sugar. Then, dinner, yoga, my face comes into it’s own, and it’s showtime. The trouble with this is that the bulk of my interactions with peers, students, and faculty occur during the 8-hour zombie period.

I’m having one of those days where very small things, thoughts, memories, actions, etc. are giving me high levels of anxiety. So, I’ve been running around with this tension, and I can’t quite remember why it is that I am stressed. In the past, if I let this go unchecked, it quickly accelerated into something akin to a panic attack. Now my practice is to go back to the last thing that set off the anxiety. Observe it. Turn it over. Acknowledge it, and then move on. This works very well. Today though, it’s been hard to keep track of it all.