Love is back on.
It’s comical? sad? that mere days ago I was on here all like maybe I can learn to trust. Maybe I can actually have a partner to rely on. Maybe that would feel good. Maybe I’ve been depriving myself that pleasure. Maybe la la la! Now just days later I feel uncertain. Like maybe I need to shield my heart from all of this. Maybe I should just keep my head low and write.
I’m starting to let my guard down. I’m starting to realize, little bits at a time, that I might actually have someone to lean on. Honestly, that sounds really nice. Especially after yesterday. Yesterday, I went on a bike ride and got a sunburn and got in a fight (per usual). This time I really felt that it was not my fault. It was a reminder to make more space and after I think that’s enough space, make some more. I have no interest in engaging in a relationship with someone that is all about fighting and conflict, which the interaction is always always about at this point. Regarding the bike ride? I wished I’d gone alone.
Then there was a going away party at a mutual friend’s place last night. That was okay, but it ended being stressful nonetheless. I’m looking forward to being with someone who, even when things are difficult or unexpected, still smiles and makes the best of the situation. Someone who makes me feel safe and understood. Someone with whom there is never a bad day ever at any time ever.
Bah! I had one of those stressful “planning about the future” conversations. Sometimes I wish we could just skip all of that and move right into the “living in the present moment” part of life. It’s something I’m working on, but this whole thing has me so worked up that I have a hard time practicing my slow steady breath, living in the now, yadda yadda yadda, oh yeah and not pushing everyone away in one massive freak out.
I woke up this morning feeling very independent, very powerful. This evening, I turned cranky. I felt alone. Lonely. Well, not really lonely, but a pouty about how things weren’t going my way. I went on a bike ride, which only worked a little bit. I guess a lot of it was about not being able to control the actions of others’. Which is ridiculous anyway. Which is why I’m saying “pouty” and “cranky” here to indicate that even I knew not to take myself too seriously. I’m also disappointed about an only partially successful trip into the mountains to get firewood. So late in the season, with so many weekends already booked, getting enough firewood is a growing concern.
Tonight, I feel like my living situation sucks. Like, I wonder if I’ll be able to get through another year of this. Not that it’s so bad really on the day to day, and you all know how much I love where I live. Things are pleasant enough. It’s just that it feels, from time to time, unhealthy. And I am generally the kind of person who likes to deal with any perceived problem or unhealthy propensity that comes my way. I suppose I can be quite annoying that way. I’m not the kind of person who can tolerate soul crushing situations, even in small, but regular increments. (None of this includes all of the unhealthy stuff I do to thwart myself, but that is not on my radar.) So, the thought of spending another year with these small, regular increments does not appeal to me. Then I tell myself, maybe things will change. Maybe I’ll move. Maybe.
One thing I know for sure is, while the money is nice, I probably shouldn’t’ve worked this summer. I should be resting right now. Relaxing. Building reserves for the work I have to do this year.
My weekends of fun, sun, and driving all over creation are over. For now. I’m settling back into my routine. Getting to work that I’ve put off too long. Catching up with grading. I can say I will enjoy these few weeks to myself. I have a lot of work to do. It’s all of that stuff I thought I would do in the summer. Now summer fading fast, and I need to get the work done. I’m talking about writing and revising articles and working on the dissertation. Not two mutually exclusive projects, but they’re not always related either.
The next year looms ahead, and I am terrified. I need to get into the right head space so that everything turns out satisfactorily. I have not yet taken time for reflection, meditation, and prayer, yes prayer. I’m talking about finishing the PhD, finding work, and settling down somewhere. In all of my years as an adult (whenever that began) I have never settled down in a location or in a relationship. It is something I want…I think. But, in the meantime I remain terrified of the unknown. What is it like to live in a place day in/day out? What is it like to wake up and love the same person every day? I’ve been told, and it makes sense, that this is as terrifying as it is wonderful. Maybe it’s time…
In other news, there is a romantic proposition before me that scares me shitless. Perhaps the moment should’ve been received with more tenderness and romance on my part, but all I could do was break out into a sweat. I suppose I have weeks ahead of me before I devise a plan. In the meantime, I honestly don’t know what I’ll do.
Alone. And talking to myself.
The weekend was full of missed connections it seemed. Nothing really turned out as I imagined it would, but everything turned out just fine. Some of it was better than fine actually. There was some hysterical crying on my part. Actually, last week(end) had no shortage of tears (mine). But I also got my head straight by driving a lot (I think I saw a cougar near the freeway in central Oregon!) The weekend also involved an impromptu trip to Portland that ended up being really pleasant, with some parts that were mind-blowingly good.
Although I didn’t get nearly enough time with my mother, I did get an entire day with my adorable nephew. I stripped him down and let him play in the creek, which made me Favorite Auntie of the Year (also, I am his only auntie.) He wore me out.
The strange thing is that in a few days, I’ll be hitting the road again and I’m already getting word that everyone’s schedules seemed to have changed and nothing is as originally planned. That will make two weekends in a row. After next weekend, I promise I’ll catch up on “work.”