I woke up this morning feeling very independent, very powerful. This evening, I turned cranky. I felt alone. Lonely. Well, not really lonely, but a pouty about how things weren’t going my way. I went on a bike ride, which only worked a little bit. I guess a lot of it was about not being able to control the actions of others’. Which is ridiculous anyway. Which is why I’m saying “pouty” and “cranky” here to indicate that even I knew not to take myself too seriously. I’m also disappointed about an only partially successful trip into the mountains to get firewood. So late in the season, with so many weekends already booked, getting enough firewood is a growing concern.
Tonight, I feel like my living situation sucks. Like, I wonder if I’ll be able to get through another year of this. Not that it’s so bad really on the day to day, and you all know how much I love where I live. Things are pleasant enough. It’s just that it feels, from time to time, unhealthy. And I am generally the kind of person who likes to deal with any perceived problem or unhealthy propensity that comes my way. I suppose I can be quite annoying that way. I’m not the kind of person who can tolerate soul crushing situations, even in small, but regular increments. (None of this includes all of the unhealthy stuff I do to thwart myself, but that is not on my radar.) So, the thought of spending another year with these small, regular increments does not appeal to me. Then I tell myself, maybe things will change. Maybe I’ll move. Maybe.
One thing I know for sure is, while the money is nice, I probably shouldn’t’ve worked this summer. I should be resting right now. Relaxing. Building reserves for the work I have to do this year.