The future is now.
So, I worked really hard (pretty hard) through the weekend. Imagine me holed up in my apartment with sweats on and an never ending cup of tea and you’ve probably got a pretty accurate image. In fact, the dissertation has reached a lovely, easy place. It won’t stay in this place forever, but I’m enjoying it while it lasts.
We’re having this gentle cool fall weather that allows the leaves to die at their own pace. The town is full of lovely autumn colors.
I responded to an impeccably timed email yesterday. Emails from this person are always impeccably timed and the call to write in response always brings out the best in my writing. Or, maybe not the best, but an opportunity for me to write in unexpected ways. Those opportunities seem few and far between these days. That will all change once the weight of school is gone, and after that, after the weight of working for tenure is done.
I’ve been sleeping poorly and then sleeping late to catch up. Stupidly, I’m drinking caffeine today. I don’t drink caffeine. And I especially shouldn’t drink it when I’m having trouble falling asleep.
By the way, the “life partner” arrives the day after tomorrow.
Stress. I live a pretty stress-free life. So, when I feel stress, it feels horrible and overbearing and remains so until I can emotionally or psychologically reconcile it. I just got a stressful phone call from my…partner? I don’t know what to call him. It was short and terrifying. And then, it was over, and in hindsight, it was not nearly as bad as it seemed in the first few sentences of that conversation. I’m left feeling upset and resentful. Gah! I hate relationships. I am so not used to being accommodating. That said, I know it’s good for me. Without relationships, I spiral into aloneness and weirdness and while it can be an interesting and creative space for me, it’s not long-term sustainable.
In other news. The Dissertation. That is all. Just, this big, amorphous text that I’m somehow doing well, or badly, and nobody can ever be sure, and it should really just be done already before it gets even more unmanageable and out of control. Trouble is, it’s not long enough. Or complete enough as is. And so there will be much more wrestling with the thing for the next few months.
Also, I’d like a job at a small liberal arts college where I can earn tenure without necessarily having to write a book. At this point in the dissertation, I just can’t think of writing another book length text. Just–no. It’s too soon.
My boo is coming back for a visit. Tickets have been purchased, everything’s been set in motion. *This* is how I prefer to function. Now I can spend some time mentally and emotionally prepare to share my space with someone before he arrives.
We’re calling this a “visit,” but we both know there’s a possibility that we’ll try to make it work for longer. We both have the best of intentions. I’ll enjoy the company. I know that much. I just hope I can (that we both can) stick to a schedule and accomplish the things we want to accomplish. I can’t really afford not to.