Stress. I live a pretty stress-free life. So, when I feel stress, it feels horrible and overbearing and remains so until I can emotionally or psychologically reconcile it. I just got a stressful phone call from my…partner? I don’t know what to call him. It was short and terrifying. And then, it was over, and in hindsight, it was not nearly as bad as it seemed in the first few sentences of that conversation. I’m left feeling upset and resentful. Gah! I hate relationships. I am so not used to being accommodating. That said, I know it’s good for me. Without relationships, I spiral into aloneness and weirdness and while it can be an interesting and creative space for me, it’s not long-term sustainable.
In other news. The Dissertation. That is all. Just, this big, amorphous text that I’m somehow doing well, or badly, and nobody can ever be sure, and it should really just be done already before it gets even more unmanageable and out of control. Trouble is, it’s not long enough. Or complete enough as is. And so there will be much more wrestling with the thing for the next few months.
Also, I’d like a job at a small liberal arts college where I can earn tenure without necessarily having to write a book. At this point in the dissertation, I just can’t think of writing another book length text. Just–no. It’s too soon.