Monthly Archives: May 2012


As I prepare to leave this place, I realize that I have made very few good friends in the past four years here. Good friendship is almost always based in a shared sense of humor. Although I have built some strong, close relationships, they have not come close to the friendships I have found in my undergraduate years, my first graduate degree, or even my era as a part-time adjunct teacher. Some of the best potential here has been with married men, with whom I have no interest in being close. Not at this time, anyway. Maybe I blame the program. The Program has taken too much psychic energy to really allow me to find those close relationships. Anyway, I do not blame myself.
Last night at dinner, a weekly ritual with people for whom I have warm and friendly thoughts, I stumbled in the conversation. I wanted to talk excitedly about the art, the times, the sexual exploits of Patti Smith’s 1970s New York City. The conversation fell flat, couldn’t really get off it’s feet. Maybe they weren’t interested. Maybe I was being inarticulate.
Oftentimes, I try to put to words the surprising role that capitalism plays in my psyche and deepest pleasures. This was a profound realization that came after spending a few summer months in Europe. It was the same kind of realization that one has after realizing her or his own participation and complacency in, say, institutionalized racism. As I try to share these thoughts, I get strange looks, like, she must be a republican or something, then disregarded.
My own inarticulateness (and to be fair I am getting worse) and the lack of humor (not altogether missing, but not what it could be) has been a defining aspect of friendships and the last four years.


I’ve been researching platforms for my new blog. For some reason, starting a blog seems necessary, but completely nerve wracking. It seems much more public than livejournal, although it really doesn’t have to be. I also feel like I can be overly emotional here, which I enjoy tremendously.
In the meantime, I am lazing about reading and enjoying doing nothing. Gloating in post-graduation bliss. Daydreaming about a new life in a new state. Analyzing photos of the new place I have rented sight unseen.
I spent the last week with my sometimes lover, always love. In his wake, and this happens every time, I remember and strongly regret any of the moments when I was ever withholding. I also remember and strongly appreciate all the beautiful things about him. I sleep on his side.
Maybe I will just stick to LJ.