Everything’s changing. Any day now. It could be tomorrow. It could be next week. The semester will be over. My closest person in the world will be on the road, which is both wonderful and heartwrenching, and I have the sense that I’m standing on the end of a precipice–ready to jump (in a good way).
The past few months have been difficult. I’ve battled a nagging fear, a nagging sorrow. But I also know myself and knew things would change. I would feel better eventually. In part, that time has come. The summer break provides a well-timed reprieve. As I’ve started to imagine that break, I imagine travel, spending time with my family, music, writing, and, perhaps most surprisingly, ideas for visual art.
I have a renewed sense of hope and purpose. Things seem different. They feel different. And, I’m excited about this next new era. I think it will be about the art I had a difficult time making in the last few years, and that’s something to get excited about.
For the past few years, I’ve been in love. Deep, deep satisfying, fulfilling, earthshaking love. And I am incredibly grateful for that love. Now, despite the changing nature of that relationship, I’m still in love. He still feels like home to me. I crave the reboot I get from his energy, the sense of feeling balanced again when I am around him. Recently, my intuitive massage therapist wisely told me that I couldn’t control whom I loved. This same deep love I feel could go on for months or even years. Hearing this was somewhat of a relief. It meant I could just be. Live. Take care of myself. Pursue my interests. I didn’t have to fight the love. I didn’t have to rip off the band aid, so to speak. I could just continue to love and that would be fine.
Despite that realization, I have had an emotionally tumultuous few months. The overflowing of love and care that I’ve grown used to over the past few years is waning/changing. As a result, doula work has been incredibly challenging. Previously, once every other month or so, I could sit with a laboring mother for twelve or more hours with plenty of love to give. In fact, I was overflowing with all of the love I was receiving from home. Now, there is no overflow. In fact, it feels like work just to maintain a minimum. Loving energy is definitely not overflowing out of me like it once was. As a result, I have less to give as a doula.
This is a natural ebb and flow of life. Sometimes love is in abundance. Sometimes it is not. I’m realizing that working as a doula through trauma and loss is incredibly difficult. So, I’m backing off the doula work for the next few months. That happens to coincide nicely with some traveling I’ll be doing anyway. I hope to return later in the summer with more energy and more love to give to the work.
My intuitive friend also said that soon I will feel recharged and ready to do the work. I know it will be different. Recharging after working a long shift will now take a few days now, whereas before I could recover in a few hours by just be held and hugged by my guy. I used to worry that I wouldn’t be able to do the work again–I was finished. Now, I’m less dramatic, and I realize that I will do the work again, and I will love the work again, and it’s okay if it is not right this second.