Category Archives: love

Tracing the Desire Line by Melissa Matthewson

I read Tracing the Desire Line by Melissa Matthewson over the course of a few months. I started the first half before the holidays and the last half after. The book is beautifully written on the level of the line. I mean, it has a lovely structure overall as well, but the line really stands out.

The content of the book was personally challenging for me to read. The author navigates desire, FOMO, long term relationships, and does so through a lot of pain, and also some pleasure, though even that pleasure often seems anything but pleasurable (I often imaged the smells of old cigarettes, sour alcohol sweat oozing through pores, and someone else’s odor that just does not smell right).

I guess because of my age, and the relationships that are all around me. So many are navigating similar relationships, reactions, etc., and so it felt true and also frustrating. I admired the author’s ability to be the “bad guy” in the book. I think it’s so much easier to write from a sense of false victimhood, but the author doggedly avoids that and stays firmly in a place of truth telling, even when it is not flattering, even when it is something readers might imagine she’d rather forget, and even when this mistakes are out there for everyone to see.

I am reminded just how vulnerable one has to be in order to write good books. As for this one–it is worth reading for the line, but also because of the honesty, even when it is ugly and difficult.

Modern Lovers by Emma Straub

Modern Lovers by Emma Straub is not my usual genre, and so I’m not quite sure how it got on my reading list other than someone probably recommended it, and then it was there, and available, and so I got it.

This novel felt very cinematic to me. I could easily imagine it as a movie, and I feel like authors are increasingly approaching scenes in books like scenes in movies, and then, I suppose, if it gets picked up as movie, even better!

I was not obsessed with these characters, and felt that I did not know them, or only knew a caricature of them, but I appreciated the consistent pacing and organization of the book. By the time the last 1/3-1/4 of the book came around, I was curious to see how it would end and finished it with great interest.

I think this is a beach read, and it was one I could easily pick up and set down amid the many distractions of my life. There is a time and place for these types of books, and for me, that time and place was in the dark of January, amid cold, flu, and covid season, with many other distractions. Honestly, I applaud Straub for getting it done.

Remembering Laughter by Wallace Stegner

Remembering Laughter by Wallace Stegner is a classic novel that reveals why people are the way they are. Or, more specifically, why this one family is the way they are.

In his book, Stegner reveals himself to be a master author, demonstrating artful craft on the sentence level, accompanied by deep insights into the human condition. None of this is news though. Stegner is obviously a renowned author–though I don’t think I’ve read his work before.

I found myself wondering why this novel isn’t taught more often. It’s a short, manageable size and one that students could easily get through in a short timeframe, leaving plenty of time for discussion, analysis, and response.

Stegner’s more famous work is Angle of Repose, which evidently has some criticisms on it surrounding plagiarism, which then calls into question his methods and all of his work. Remembering Laughter is worth the read though and won’t take up much of your time.

Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse

I have wanted to read more Hermann Hesse since reading his novel Demian some years back. A friend recommended Siddhartha a few years back, so here we are. This is a very short, manageable novel, and indeed, it is full of some of the great spiritual insights and teachings that have come out of the Indian tradition.

As someone who has studied and taught yoga for many years, much of the teachings in this novel resonated or sounded familiar to me. While these basic teachings have been distilled and distributed in many ways, by many people, over the years, I think Hesse’s novel must have been incredibly revolutionary for the time.

In fact, while reading, I frequently thought to myself that Hesse was brazen to even attempt such a novel, taking up such an important figure, such important and difficult teachings, and novelizing it. In the end, it seems that Hesse was a success, but what an incredible undertaking! As a writer, I would be worried of getting it wrong. I guess that’s be main difference between me and Hesse 😉

According to his bio, Hesse spent a good deal of time in India throughout his life. His family members were missionaries there for years. Maybe these are stories and teachings that became intimate and familiar to him. It certainly seems that way from the book.

I have to admit that Siddhartha did not blow me away like Hesse’s Demian did, but I think that was more about me than about the book itself. If this had been the first book I had from Hesse, maybe I would have had a bigger reaction. In the end, this is a carefully written book, worthy of its praise and longevity.

Black Beauty by Anna Sewell

Over the winter break, I read the 1877 book, Black Beauty, by Anna Sewell with my children. I believe this was the first time I’d read the book, and, although it is a “children’s book,” as you know, I like to include children’s books here if they have literary merit, and this one does!

Black Beauty is said to be the first book to anthropomorphize an animal. This seemed impossible to me when I read it, and it must be with the exception of fables and what not. I double checked The Jungle Book, and indeed it was published 17 years later.

The book follows the life of the horse, Black Beauty–from his youth as a colt running through the fields, to very many different owners and jobs across his life, and finally through to his retirement.

I frequently wonder what animals are thinking, feeling, and experiencing. I’m sure most people do. However, maybe unlike most people (perhaps?), I don’t assume animals are having a similar experience to humans. For example, I often perceive some dogs to be very nervous when their owner states that they’re actually being playful. However, in Black Beauty, the horse is depicted as experiencing life much like a human might assume. He appreciates gentle petting, and he grows to love his (good) owners and other horses he knows. He suffers in circumstances where when humans might also suffer. In fact, the horse even seems to suffer in situations sooner than I might imagine a horse would suffer.

Speaking of suffering, for a children’s book, this is an emotionally heavy book, with open depictions of abuse, suffering, tragedy, and death. My children were too young to pick up everything that was happening in the book, but I frequently found myself cringing as I read over some of the tougher scenes. I think this book would be much better read for older children, who are able to read well on their own. By then, maybe they will be ready for some of these heavier themes.

I am not a horse person myself. I appreciate horses, but I am not “horse crazy” like some people I know. (I do really love sheep though!) Anyway, Black Beauty is an excellent, classic book. Everyone, old or young, who loves horses, should read this book. It’s also worth reading for those who want a glimpse of what life was like 150 years ago, when horses were still the source of power for most people.

continued…Hannah Coulter by Wendell Berry

I wanted to add more to my thoughts on Hannah Coulter by Wendell Berry. In this post, I want to address farming, and generational farming. Having grown up on a ranch myself, I have more complicated thoughts about some of the portrayals in Berry’s book.

[spoilers ahead; not that this book has a dramatic plot]

In the book, after growing up on what is described as a beautiful, but hard-earned farm, all of Hannah’s children “choose” not to return to the farm/farming. This is perceived somewhat as a moral failing on the part of the children and their parents. One child is not really interested in farming and goes on to make big money in California. The other boy is very interested in farming. However, after studying agriculture in college, he stays in academia, becoming a well-respected professor and scholar. The daughter goes on to be a school teacher, something she seems to be passionate about from a young age.

However, even if Margaret wanted to stay on the farm, given the sexism and cultural expectations of the time and place, it is difficult to see how a young woman might make a life for herself on a farm, especially not without a husband. She inherits her grandparents’ place, but even if she were to live there at some point, it might have created a difficult power dynamic with a husband, since she would likely be landowner and therefore the more powerful of the two. Opportunities for women, especially single women, are rare in rural settings. Likewise, opportunities for dating and relationships are much fewer in rural settings as well.

The son Mattie found great success away from the farm, both personally and financially. Hannah doubts his happiness, but can’t argue that he was ever deeply interested or suited in farming. That’s okay. Not everyone will be. Though his life is very different, even unrecognizable to Hannah, he might be happy.

To me, Caleb represents the biggest heartbreak. His parents are deeply disappointed that he decides not to return to the farm after college. However, at that point, it would have meant taking on a life of near poverty, a life that would make affording a family incredibly difficult. Caleb is likely heartbroken by this realization too. Small-scale farming would not provide him financial stability. Meanwhile, increased financial stability might give him the greatest chance of eventually keeping the farm for generations to come, maybe returning to it to live and to farm during his own lifetime. That possibility is not out of the question by the end of the novel, though Hannah never seems to think of it. She has this typical, well, I guess they’re just gone, type of attitude. I know some old farmers who are like that too, and it’s like they cannot even see the financial side of things.

At the end, and here is the real spoiler, Virgie returns, Virgie who has rebelled and disappeared for years. When he is at rock bottom, he finally comes back to his grandma and her farm, and she allows him to stay and start farming, with their older extended family and friends serving as mentors to him. Hannah feeds him and houses him and pays him an hourly wage for work he does on her farm, and the others pay him an hourly wage for work he does for them. This would have been around the turn of the last century, and I find it hard to believe that these small-time farmers are able to pay someone, especially someone who lacks much skill, an hourly wage. Hannah probably could in her older age, but not as a long term solution.

Hannah is not naive and does not assume that Virgie will stay and take over the farm, but maybe he will. In the end, the kid who demonstrates the least amount of responsibility and follow through may end up with the farm? More complicated still is the fact that Mattie’s children may have taken an interest in farming too, but having not grown up in the area, it’s unlikely they would ever gain the knowledge required to run the place.

Yes, there was a huge exodus from small farming in rural America in the latter half of the last decade, but I’d argue that the shift did not have to do with disinterest, or pursuing seemingly easier lives. It had everything to do with the monopolization of farming in the US and the lack of profits in small-scale farming. There were significant cultural and especially economic factors at play that Hannah (Berry?) seemed to overlook.

This all resonates so much with me because I also grew up on a ranch, as I stated earlier. I’m one of the kids who really loved farming–the cycles of the season, the fresh air, working with the animals, the constant scheming and figuring out hay supplies and breeding seasons, and lambing seasons, and on. This still is deep within me, and I love it. However, as a child, I quickly saw that it would be nearly impossible to be able to afford land of my own. “Working out” would always be a necessity, which is fine now since so much mechanization is available. Still, the landscape and reality is changing and worsening for farming. It’s not a matter of choice, or who is willing to work harder. For many–it’s a reality.

Amid such a challenging landscape, I’ve considered myself lucky that I was eventually able to get a little place of my own, and raise animals, and live in this way. I definitely can’t (and wouldn’t want to) quit my day job! Farming is not for everyone. However, it is for me. But, it’s complicated.

Hannah Coulter by Wendell Berry

My second book of the year is Hannah Coulter by Wendell Berry. I’ve heard of Wendell Berry before, as a respected author of natural and rural places, but this is the first book from Berry that I have read. I guess maybe I thought he was a poet, but this work, and his other books, are very much prose!

After reading, I can say that Berry walked a fine line between uncomplicated narrative, nostalgia, and truly solid writing. Normally, excellent prose is not deeply nostalgic (even cheesy?), but Berry goes there and (mostly) pulls it off.

Hannah Coulter is the narrator, and in the book she is simply retelling her life story. Her life story is one of an impoverished farm kid, then a farmer’s wife, living in rural Kentucky, born around 100 hears ago. Her story lasts through the turn of the 21st century, and the book was published in 2004.

In the book, through Hannah’s narrative, Berry captures a unique culture, experience, and perspective. Through Hannah’s eyes, readers follow a changing farmscape, a changing sense of community, and a changing (and probably worsening) world.

Coming from a small, rural community myself, I thought Berry’s depiction of small-town life was deeply accurate, and he captures the best, most wonderful aspects of a strong community–one that many people never experience.

Of course, there are also downfalls to rural, small-town living, and many are desperate to escape the confines. (The same is true, in reverse, of urban living too though.) Berry captures none of the contrary argument and focuses only on the benefits of rural living. In my mind, there is a place for this narrative in the world, and Berry gets to tell it.

Readers may marvel at the seeming poverty, the scrimping, and the hard work involved in Hannah’s life, the lack of technology, the close sense of a very large and dependable community. It’s an experience that many no longer have, as they are removed from extended families and generations-long relationships.

I’m never quite sure what to think when an author’s main character is opposite gender of the author, and I do think something is usually lost, and that may be the case in Hannah Coulter as well. This book and this content isn’t for everyone. But what is? It’s a slow, intentional read, uniquely structured, beautifully written, and appreciated by readers like me.

A Dangerous Business by Jane Smiley

A Dangerous Business by Jane Smiley is the first book I’ve read in 2024! I have so much writing due this year, that my expectations for reading are very low. However, I’m off to a good start!

This was an engaging book. I was curious to see what was going to happen and eager to turn the pages. Sometimes the plot felt too obvious. Sometimes the tone felt off–too hokey, too slap stick, too unbelievable. While there is some fine storytelling, lovers of literary fiction might feel indifferent toward this one. Also, this was a book that seemed to have a film in mind. I could easily see this book made into a film, and I would probably watch it.

The following are some of the things that I thought were best about the novel. I appreciated the somewhat mundane portrayal of prostitution. I liked the intricate details of a real city: Monterey, California. I liked the portrayal of sexuality without labels. I appreciated the handling of the historical aspect of the book. I appreciated the layering in of social issues. I appreciated the references to contemporary literature of the time.

All in all, this book is very Jane Smiley.

2023 reading list

For me, 2023 was a great year for reading, rivaling that one summer grade school reading program, when I read a very long list of age-appropriate books, and the year I read for the comprehensive exams in my Master’s program. Now that was a great list! There were years during my undergrad degree when I also read a lot of wonderful classic literature for school. However, this year rivals all of those other good years! This was the year that I discovered Elena Ferrante and many other great books as well. I don’t know how I managed to read so much, but most of these 30 books happened in the first eight months of the year. I took a break and then read the last few in December.

1. My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante

2. The Lost Daughter by Elena Ferrante

3. Heartburn by Nora Ephron

4. All of This: A Memoir of Death and Desire by Rebecca Woolf

5. Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal by Jeanette Winterson

6. My Body by Emily Ratajkowski

7. Spare by Prince Harry

8. Olivia: A Novel by Dorothy Strachey

9. A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley

10. This Is the Story of a Happy Marriage by Ann Patchett

11. Lightening Flowers by Katherine E. Standefer

12. The Sun in a Compass by Caroline Van Hemert

13. Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston

14. Lucy by the Sea by Elizabeth Strout

15. Breasts and Eggs by Mieko Kawakami

16. Sea of Tranquility by Emily St. John Mandel

17. Mr. Popper’s Penguins by Richard and Florence Atwater

18. Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White

19. Deep Creek: Finding Hope in the High Country by Pam Houston

20. Heaven by Mieko Kawakami

21. The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson

22. Jane: A Murder by Maggie Nelson

23. Horse, Flower, Bird by Kate Bernheimer

24. The Old Ballerina by Ellen Cooney

25. Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens

26. In the Distance by Hernan Diaz

27. The Woman in Me by Britney Spears

28. Talking As Fast As I Can by Lauren Graham

29. Small Things Like These by Claire Keegan

30. Trees at Leisure by Anna Botsford Comstock

covers of my 2023 books

2023 year in review

Each year during this time of year, I love to reflect back on the previous year. I love to scroll through my old pictures. I like to look through all the books I’ve read. I like to reflect on the big, memorable moments. If I don’t stop to do this periodically, to look at it all, my life starts to feel like one big blur. I have come to cherish this annual reflection, which helps me stop time and appreciate where I’m at in my life, what I have accomplished, and all of the wonderful people who have inspired me and buoyed me up along the way—many of whom are you!  

This year I watched my children grow, and try new things, and learned more about who they are. I read more books than I have in years and found solace and regulation in all of my time spend in a good books. I traveled to Chicago, where I got to stay in a fancy hotel room with big, sweeping views of the city and Lake Michigan. Friends visited me in Oregon and Idaho, and they offered their wisdom, inspiration, and encouragement. A professional fire was lit in me this past year, from many embers that had been quietly burning, and I signed not one, but two book contracts and also completed another manuscript for an unrelated project that was a pure joy to create. I also enjoyed many much needed coffee dates and dinner dates with loved ones. All of this was made possible because, for the first time since having children, I have had sufficient childcare this past year. Each moment spent in my office was a cherished gift, and I worked (out of necessity) with a laser focus that I never had before becoming a mother.

Not all of my eras have been so good or so certain, and there has also been heartache, fear, and illness this year too. However, this era is a rich one for me. I awake to beautiful views, and wonderful people, and inspiring work, and I have felt grateful every single day. 

portrait of the author