Love and all is coming.
I am still in school. By the time I finish, I will have ten years of higher education and six years in graduate school. I haven’t wasted any time. I haven’t taken more than the regularly alloted amount of time to finish any of my degrees. In fact, I finished my Masters degree one term early. (That wasn’t too unusual for the program though.) Recently, I learned of the opportunity to move to a different branch campus, a position that includes a likely fifth year of funding. The thought of a fifth year puts me immediately at ease. Surely that would be enough time to finish the dissertation and do it well. On the other hand, if I finish next year, I can get a "real" job teaching and make a lot more money than I make now as a graduate student. Why not just take the option where I have money since I’ll be teaching either way, right? The reality is that I am terrified of a real job and a tenure-track position. I have moved every two/three years throughout my entire adult life, moving from one job to the next, one school to the next. I’m not sure how well I’ll do if I have to stay in one spot for the next decade or two. (My professors assure me that you usually don’t stay "forever" in your first tenure-track job, but, in this economy, I have seen people who do.)
I am deeply commitment-phobic. This is evidenced in my continual moving and my reluctance to get married or even commit to a long-term partnership. I hope that this attitude changes because part of me does want security. I am torn between an urban existence, where I am able to go to Bikram, watch good films, and attend readings from authors I admire. Or, living a rural existence, where I milk a goat for thirty minutes every morning and every evening as my meditation, where I have the solitude to read and eat the food that I’ve grown. I am usually quite happy in relationships. In terms of love, I am capable of deep, intimate relationships and find them to be worthwhile. So, I don’t know what the next year/two will hold. But I can say that I am terrified of the change. I will no longer be a student, and that might mean some degree of permanence that I’ve never had before–that I don’t think I want.
The PhD program, on the other hand, has been amazing. I have learned so much. I’ve had amazing, supportive teachers. I’ve met smart, fascinating people. And, for the most part, this program has been void of the terrible departmental bickering and hostilities that I have experienced at other places. It appears that this place at this time was absolutely perfect for me.
He didn’t want to talk to me on the phone because he doesn’t want to have to say no to me like he’s done so many times before.
It is difficult to know how to proceed. Even though there are so many incompatibilities, they are diminished by the undeniable emotional energy between us. The question to which we do not know the answer is, is that "love" enough? It would be easiest to do nothing, to let this fade like I’ve done before. Unless doing nothing leads to a life with less passion than it would otherwise have, that is. I promised myself I wouldn’t call.
I am in a glass case of emotion!!!
Ok, this one’s more benign. (Whew!) My mornings are nothing to be proud of. Generally, I wake up on my own accord, get out of bed, put on wool socks, slippers, and a sweater (it’s usually quite cold). Then I pee. After that I go upstairs, fire up the computer, heat up the water for tea (decaf-can you believe it?!), and stoke/start a fire in the fireplace. I lose track of time with the tea and the internet for some time. Occasionally, this includes a breakfast item such as cereal. I go through phases in terms of breakfast foods. Tea and internet is a constant though. Eventually, I get up to shower, dress, make up, and then rush down to the bus stop to wait 10 minutes for the bus to arrive. This moment usually marks the end of my morning routine.
And then I remembered why I stopped. Who wants to answer this? "Something you regret." Such a downer! I could easily go with the "I regret nothing" stance because I really do think that everything has shaped me, quite nicely, into the person I am today, flaws and all. But really, I regret any time I was ever hurtful (intentionally or otherwise) to others. I mean, I make a lot of mistakes and hurt myself. I try to learn from those and progress, but I really do not intend to, nor like to, hurt others. So, that’s my regret. Nothing specific. Just, all of those times.
Day 01 – Introduce Yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – Your music
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your hobbies
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A precious item
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – Your mode of transportation
Day 14 – Where you live
Day 15 – Your childhood
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – Your morning routine
Day 21 – Your job and/or schooling
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – Your sleeping habits
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your favorite foods/drinks
Day 30 – Your aspirations
I’m getting excited for my trip to Utah. Sure, there have been some nerves, and I’m still not sure how I’m getting from point A to point B, which for someone who likes detailed planning and control is not comfortable. But, I think it will work out well. Today I got an email from SLC Film Center (I still get their updates), and briefly thought that I would be able to see a screening of Stuck! (www.imdb.com/title/tt1412338/) at the Tower Theatre at 9th & 9th. Ah! The memories. Then, I realized that I would be arriving a day late. Too bad. Still, there were so many great things about that city. I always felt safe and oriented when I was there. Of course, I found much of their food options and air pollution to be intolerable, but there were so many other good things about living there. I wonder if I would ever move back. I could see that scenario playing out–living in an apartment in a very old house in the Avenues, hardwood floors, money to burn, a city to walk, Bikram, and a beautiful view. Normally, it’s not the future that I see for myself because there was a lot about living in Utah that did not work for me, but that was mostly when I lived in the Valley. The city was a much happier time. In addition to all of the other schools I watch, I look for job openings there too. Just in case.