There is no internet at home, so I hope there hasn’t been any fb news that I missed. I’ve missed all of it. I assume it was mostly Merry Christmas and look at my new baby. When you used to love/possible continue to carry a torch for someone who posts such pics, it can be emotional.
Thanksgiving is wonderful. I’m so excited to be home and cooking and spending time with the family.
Christmas has been another story for the last few years. I can’t pinpoint it quite.
My great grandma was an illegal immigrant from Sweden. She came over on a boat, wearing wooden shoes, which are now mine. They are small and worn and looking at them makes my imagination go wild. I have a necklace, with a forget-me-not made out of tiny blue gems. It was a gift from my mom when I graduated college (the first time). We call it "precious" and my mom and I both love it. I keep a diary that my grandpa gave me as a gift. It is leather bound, with the marking from the cow’s brand on it still. I write in it often, and know that when I fill the pages, something life changing will occur. There is a red and black wooden box with monkey’s carved into it that I bought in a village in central Mexico. In that village (a true village) I also ate some kind of menudo that was so spicy hot that I felt my throat immediately begin to swell closed. During a monumental, life transforming trek, wherein he walked across the states of Utah, Idaho, and Washington, my former boyfriend was contemplating whether or not he and I should be together as a couple. He looked down and saw a beautiful diamond ring on a path in the middle of nowhere. He rerouted from Oregon to Washington, where I was living, to give me the ring as a gift. He then continued on his trek, walking to Oregon’s west side.
I am terrible at making friends. Terrible. I grew up in a small town and my cousins were my friends. It has been a given since birth. There is a lot of comfort and security there, but it also meant that friends were people with whom you might not share many common interests. It meant that when I went out into the big bad world and I realized I wanted a friend, I had no idea how to get one. My attitude toward friends is also complicated by the fact that I am a very serious introvert. I am energized and recharged when I am alone. Last weekend I attended a Christmas party with the bf. There would be free drinks and lots of free food at a bar downtown. People I knew would be there, as well as strangers. It was absolutely the best case scenario, and yet, about an hour before it was time to leave, I panicked. I ended up going, and it was nice, but the anxiety beforehand was very real. I even get this away about making phone calls sometimes.
My friend situation is also complicated by the fact that I am sort of picky about friends. They have to be really open, interesting, and completely reassuring to me about the friendship. I am needy. Though I do not require a frequent interaction, I do require that I get full attention and interest during those interactions.
That said, I still need friends. Not many, but I need someone with whom I can go out on a weekend and get a bite to eat. I need someone who will be my sidekick at events, readings, concerts, etc. Finding a good friend is not unlike finding a boyfriend. The compatibility and connection is essential, and sometimes it takes as long to find a friend as it does to find a romantic partner…if not longer.
Since I have been a student for so long, which takes up most of my energy, it is hard to remember what I was in to when I had time and energy to myself. Even when I am aimlessly clicking from one website to the next, work and school is still hanging over my head. There was a three year hiatus in there, where I was able to decompress from school a bit, and I began to experience a little bit of what life would be like if I didn’t have the burden of school. First, music. There was more music. There were concerts. There was listening to music, and enhancing emotions and life moments with music. There were library visits. There was yoga. Bikram yoga to be exact. There was coffee and pastries and Bikram yoga and 32 oz. Cokes from the Mavericks gas station on the corner. There was exercise. Lots of exercise. Tennis, bike riding, and yoga. There was shopping with the little extra money I had, reading and caring about fashion, beautification of the hair, face, nails, skin, and so forth. There was planning for travels abroad, studying languages to prepare, and reading up on culture. There was also reading books just for pleasure while sprawled out on my bed. There was writing to do afterwards. There was relaxing for a half hour in the sun. There was gardening and yard work.
Love is when you put forth nothing but pure emotional and psychic energy toward the encouragement of another, toward the spiritual and emotional wellness of another.
Here is a quote: "To truly love, we must learn to mix various ingredients- care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication." ~ bell hooks All About Love
Love fascinates me endlessly. I am constantly on a quest for it. I am often failing at it. The best moments in my life are when I’ve shared glimpses of it with someone. I am a hopeless romantic and want nothing more than to find someone who gets me, who thinks I’m the best thing ever, and in return, I want to understand and be delighted by them. I want to want to make a life’s work out of understanding my longterm partner in love. That sounds nice.
There is no music. At least not while I’m in school. I have been known to be deeply moved by music and have developed a very, very long iTunes list. While in demanding graduate school, I do not allow myself the psychic energy of music. How sad is that? I must graduate soon and commence a life of love, art, and music.
I’m writing brave/stupid, impassioned love letters today.
Will probably now get back with the bf because I am horny. Ain’t that some shit?
I just bought plane tickets to travel to ATL. On the day I turn 30, I will be alone on several airplanes and reading Vogue in several airports. I’ll arrive in Altanta late and tired, no doubt. How sad is that? I hope that I take it well. The flight back will be long. Very long. Like 5+ hours long. I’m not as agile as I used to be when it comes to flying. I require snacks (expensive airport food is preferable.) I require reading material (popular magazines are preferable.) I require wireless internet in my airport. Portland will have it. Denver will have it. Spokane will not. Atlanta will not. Of course, I’ll be spending the most time in Spokane and Atlanta because we have to arrive so early for our flights.
When did I become so crotchety about flying? I am increasingly fearful when I fly. I am less capable of handling the extended periods of time trapped with smelly strangers. There used to be a time when I enjoyed flying. I dressed for it. Was sure I would meet someone interesting. Now, I say hello to the person next to me. I used to think it was too awkward not to say hello at the very beginning and get it out of the way, and then try to avoid them for the next five hours. Now, I’m rethinking that policy. Perhaps silence and avoiding eye contact is best. Ugh. Barf. It’s just expensive and it’s for work, and I’d much rather be spending that money on a trip to vacation at some tropical locale. That is all.
We broke up over canning sauerkraut (which turned out great, by the way). I pretty sure this is just a "break." We need some space, both of us. He’s sure it’s forever. He says he’s all or nothing, but I haven’t found that to be the case in the past. I just don’t see how either one of us would ever make it through the holidays without trying to start things up again. When your life is this intertwined, it’s nearly impossible to break up. This relationship has always been such a challenge. We love the companionship. I mean we both really do. We are lonely without each other–neither one of us is any good making friends, and the loneliness is very real. So why not just be together, right? That said, a distant future together seems so…unlikely.